Secret scars

more than a year later..

2011-04-15T13:24:00.000-07:00

okay, damn, it's been more than a year since I've posted a blog here!

I'll try to give an update of my life of the last year, for those interested.

well, after the last post in December 2009 I developed serious panic attacks as a result of my grandma's passing and the depression that followed it. Despite these panic attacks, I graduated high school again and even got up enough nerves to apply for my dream university in Middelburg, Holland. After a long couple of weeks in May and June 2010 of writing motivation letters and having interviews at the uni, I got accepted and everything moved so fast that in August 2010 I was buying furniture and domestic supplies, and was moving in my new room, in my new house with 15 other students, in a new city and away from my safe haven. In this period my panic attacks were so severe that my medication was doubled and I got really heavy calming pills (oxazepam) to calm me down when having a panic attack.

Fortunately after I got these meds from the shrink I didn't have any panic attacks anymore. I still had some pretty hard times on my own, but I was adapting really well to the student live, except the social part of course but I've never been the first to go to a party or something and I'm really trying to work on that now.

Anyways, once I started my first semester I was slowly doing better. Didn't have any panic attacks anymore, had a lot less depression episodes and was doing okay in school. Problem is though that at my university other students get and the staff expects all A's and I'm more of a C-student with an occasional B or even one A! and this of course is not very beneficial for me as a perfectionist and a very weak mental state.

However, somehow I managed to pass the semester and I'm currently at the end of my second semester. This semester however has probably been the worst 15 weeks of my life! Not really because of my own problems, but more because of my reactions on the things that happened in this period.

To make a long story short.. I've been ill for three weeks with a severe case of some kind of variant of the flu and thus was out for three weeks which were very hard to catch up on. But then when it was finally Spring Break, which meant for me time to catch up on everything, my little brother, who was having a lot of problems with depression, anxieties and his sexual orientation, went and got the bright idea to take 9 of his pills at once! Fortunately we were able to get him to the ER in time and he was so scared of his own actions and the consequences that my mom saw so much determination and strength in him which we have never seen in him before and gave us a little more to hold on too for our own strength and state of mind.

Of course this has had a massive affect on our family and my parents are really keeping an eye on him, but I didn't really have time to process everything because I had to start to focus on my school again. after a few days though, I just couldn't do it anymore and realized that so many of my own old suicidal and depression feelings had come back to bite me in the ass that I had my first panic attack again in almost a year! well, that was a week ago and after that I stayed at home with my parents and I'm trying to gather up the will and the guts again to go back to the university, but for some reason I'm just not able to keep myself together for more than a few hours before I fall apart again.

So, my parents do NOT have any time to think about themselves and I absolutely hate myself for that! Why can't I just be a normal 'girl' of almost 21 years old, who just has friends, a social life, a boyfriend or at least would have had her first kiss already!! (yeah, I know... STILL hasn't happened yet.. *crying-my-eyes-out-in-the-corner*)

I really hope to get enough money together for their 25 year anniversary so we can send them on their honeymoon which they never had, and thank them for all the things they've done and sacrificed for us.

I think this is quite enough for one entry, and since it's 11 pm and I'm beat, I'm going to hit the hay..

please give me some feedback, so I know someone else is reading this besides me.. I promise you a reward! <3

Happy New Year.. sorta..

2009-12-31T12:00:00.000-08:00

great.. it's new years eve again..

family in the living room; there are games being played, jokes being told and laughter fills the air. and later this evening there's going to be greetings of neighbors and fireworks lighting up the sky.

Then there's me, sitting alone at the table in the dining area, behind my laptop writing a blog on this long lost long forgotten site.

I hear laughter comming from the other room, something must be funny. I can't see the fun in anything. Not in my favorite tvshows, not in my favorite books, not even in supposedly hilarious bloopers or jokes that are being made around the dinnertable..

well, I guess it's going better the past few days. I've been able to laugh at a few funny jokes in a few of my favorite shows and a story or two at fanfiction.net. there really are awesome writers over there, they should seriously consider writing books with their imagination and other writingskills.

It was going a lot better with me.. I was losing weight (slowly, but it was still something..) I was happier then I'd been in a long time and school was going great too.. and then suddenly my grandma died.. it all went downhill after that.. I became more scared of everything than I ever had been.. I'm scared of death, of losing people I care about and I'm even scared of living.. I don't want to go on, grow up or even go on to the next day.. because I'm afraid what might happen then.. I just don't want to hurt anymore, I want to live and love like normal people and just be happy with myself and my life. Maybe that'll come one day, hopefully sooner than later.. but I know I'll have to search for help and I told my parents a little bit of my fears and they suggested that I looked for professional help and I want to but I'm just to scared to hurt my parents if all comes out and they know what goes on in my head. I just don't know if that's worth it.

well, I think I'm going to mingle a bit and act happy again..

oh, but first I'll add a poem I wrote a couple of weeks ago about how I look at life and it pretty much says what I just wrote in this blogentry.. it's called Dark Hole (for obvious reasons..)

I'm in a dark hole
at the bottom
all alone
I want to come out

What would happen if I scream
and no one hears me
Or they do hear me
but leave me here all alone
Maybe I deserve that

I'm in a dark hole
at the bottom
all alone
I should get out

But I'm afraid to scream
Afraid someone will hear me
but will just walk by
and do nothing
Maybe that's for the best

I'm in a dark hole
at the bottom
all alone
I don't want to come out

If I do, I'm vulnerable
vulnerable towards other people
I'll not let them see
what I'm feeling
I won't show them the real me

I'm in a dark hole
at the bottom
all alone
I'm not comming out

well.. if anyone actually reads this, and you want to, please leave a message..
or just check out my poems at www.selfinjury.net/creativity/poetry and look for poems by Crying Angel Sara (that's me.. ;) hehe)

damn...

2009-10-08T11:25:00.000-07:00

Well.. it's been a while. Not a lot has happened in those couple of weeks.. I went to school, did my homework, got sick, worked, cried, laughed, and stuff.. you know, the usual..
I've noticed that I only write here on blogspot when I'm pretty depressed.. so for you guys who still read this shit, sorry for the depressing messages! I don't really like to talk about the happy things that sometimes happen to me. Sometimes it's making me more depressed or I think it's to positive to talk about.. afraid it will go away and never comes back again.
I know I talk a lot of shit here online, and I don't know why but I really need to blow off some steam every once in a while. I don't really have any friends I can talk to (in RL) and I can't talk to my parents about my problems. They already have their hands full with my two youngest brothers! and sometimes my other brother too.. but not as much..
It's a real hellhole here sometimes. Everybody screams, the two youngest just started to act out and hit puberty! It really gets ugly here.. and the oldest does just what he wants.. he's a selfish, egocentral SOB sometimes! of course they all can be sweet and nice and stuff.. but I can't wait to be away from here, to be on my own.. although it IS a pretty scary idea.. all alone, no one to talk to AT ALL!! not even your mom or dad, it's gonna be hard the first few weeks, but I hope it's gonna be worth it!
I know I said I'll try to be more upbeat on here, but I can't seem to do it very well.. I just need to vent my feelings and thoughts and here is the only place I know I can do it without someone from my RL finding out. or at least they can read it, but they won't know it's me that wrote it.. they don't know me enough to see it. but anyways.. Lately I've been having more dreams and thoughts about death, suicide and whatever related thing there is. I know it's really even more depressing but I can't help it. I feel like I used to.. very down, depressed, don't want to do anything, don't have the energy to do it, nothing seems fun anymore, not seeing the point in living,.. just thinking about life in general.. at least what people can call a life.. you really can't call my life a LIFE.. sure I'm Alive.. but I'm not living it.. I know it sounds weird, but I can't really explain it.. I don't feel alive, free, happy... I can't remember a time that I did.. sure I know that I had to be happy when I was a kid, and I've heard stories about my childhood.. but I can't remember it.. I don't have the proof that I FELT happy, and free and alive.. maybe I only acted that way because I didn't want to be an outcast.. but I still do feel like one.. never having friends around me (at least not real, good friends, friends that know ME!), never been kissed, never had a boyfriend or whatever..
the only thing that's been keeping me going is my music, my movies, my tvshows, my books and my drawing.. how pathetic is that!! all things you can do/watch/listen by yourselves!! I really don't have a social life.. normally I don't really care, but I'd really like a real true friend! a life one at least! one that will hug me when I'm sad, one that will hold me when I'm scared, one that will talk to me when I'm lonely and one that will love me for who I am!
I hope I don't ask to much from someone, I hope I'm even worth the trouble of friendship!

Just back from the coast... so update!! and a lil' poem..

2009-08-02T13:14:00.001-07:00

well.. I just arrived home today from a week at the coast.. it was really nice weather, and although I'm normally not fond of sunny, good weather.. I liked this weeks weather.. mostly because I finally got the nerve to wear short sleeves and so revealed my scars to everyone around me!! I think I saw some people watch them and eyed them suspiciously.. but I didn't hear nothing from nobody!! on one hand I'm really glad I didn't have to explain anything but on the other hand I'm kinda bummed that no one seemed to notice.. or at least not care enough to say anything about it! But then again.. I don't think I would have the guts either to say something to someone if I saw something like that on another person.. maybe now I have similar problems.. or at least similar enough to harm myself and leave lifelong scars on my arms..

I did hold on to my plans as good as I could.. I didn't take my meds everyday.. but I did take them more then usual.. as for the other two promises.. I can't really say something about that because there hasn't been enough time gone by to say anything about that..

I'll try to keep my progress updated here.. and I hope that I do make progress.. okay let's stay positive.. don't let it all get me down..

maybe another poem is a good idea.. one from a while back.. when I wasn't feeling very positive.. I hope that I'm gonna be able to post a few positive poems in a couple of weeks/months..

What if I were smarter

Would they care for me then?

What if I was thinner?

Would they notice me then?

What if I was different?

Would they love me then?

What if I was dead?

Will they notice?

Will they care?

I hope you liked this little poem.. I hope you did.. if you read it.. please give me some feedback! I would love to keep writing and improve my writing.. but for that.. I would have to get critisism..

thanks!! <3

Poem

2009-07-13T03:29:00.000-07:00

okay here's another poem I wrote a few weeks ago I think.. I'm not really sure when exactly, but it'll just have to do.. I know my poems are all pretty much the same.. or at least about the same things.. but it's all I can write and think about.. if I've changed.. maybe I can write about other things.. happier things..

well this poems is about why we live.. why I live.. or why we are alive..

I pretend I’m okay
Because I don’t want to hurt people
But I really don’t know why I’m alive
Is it because I have a goal in life
Then what is that goal
Is it because people would miss me
Then why do I feel so alone
Is it because only God can decide if I live or die
Then why has he made my life like this
Or maybe there isn’t any reason, any purpose
But it’s just for the heck of it
Just a game, to see how long someone can last
But that’s no game, that’s not funny
That ain’t fair.

please give me some feedback, leave a message so I'll know if I should stop writing poems or if I could go on..

Update from the last two months.. and a declaration XD

2009-07-13T02:54:00.000-07:00

damn.. it's been way too long... may 18th is my last entry.. almost two months gone by!
well.. the biggest things that happened since then is that I graduated finally!! XD I got my diploma, everything was approved AND I can go back next year for a higher level!!
okay, that was all the happy news from the last two months.. nothing else really has happened.. the main point is that it's vacation and I'm bored as hell!! I can't seem to find a job, don't have the money to go on vacation and don't really have the will to do something..

I took my meds again today, it's been a long time since I've taken them because I don't like what they do with me and I always forget to take them on time.. but I've decided, because I've got nothing else better to do, I'm gonna start picking up my life again! I wanna be normal, like other teenagers. hanging out with friends, having a job, having fun, having a life, be happy..
This seems kind of weird to want all this, because it seems so ordinary for most teenagers.. but for me it's a goal, a real goal I have to work very hard for.. I don't want to sound whiney and stuff.. but the last 8 years or so, it hasn't been easy for me.. in those 8 years I developed serious anxieties, depression, I'm severly obesed and I self injure.. The only thing I was fairly good at was school and read books, watch tvshows or movies, or just doing stuff alone...

I've never been a real people person, at least I can't remember it.. my mom says otherwise.. she says I was a very happy baby and that I was, and still am, a people person.. no offence to my mom.. but obviously she doesn't know me that well.. I have to admit I don't share a lot with anybody, so it's not that difficult to persume things about me that are absolutely not true! But come on.. she's my mom.. she has to notice I never have friends over, I never get invited for parties, I never go out and I spent my saturday nights on my computer or babysitting and watching tv..

I wish I had a best friend.. I think I already mentioned it.. or maybe in one of my poems, but I really do wish that.. and most of all I wish I'll find love, someday.. that he's gonna be my best friend, who'll love me for who I really am.. a nice guy who'll respect me and care for me.
I've never been in love before.. never had my first kiss even! and I'm fricking 19!! I blame it on myself of course.. I guess guys from my age don't want a fat, depressed, cut up girl who doesn't really have any friends.. I can't blame them though.. I wouldn't like me either if I was a guy.. but then again.. I don't even like me when I'm me..
Okay.. enough with the self pity.. I want to change.. I really do, but I'm afraid I can't do it alone.. and I don't want to burden anyone with my problems so I guess I'll just have to fight. Fight hard for myself for a change. and now is the perfect time to do it.. I don't have school to worry about, I have a lot of free time on my hands and I don't really know what to do with it anyways..

People who're reading this, you guys are my witnesses.. I hereby declare that I, Sara, will change my life.. throw my world upside down and will change the following things:
- I will take my meds on time, every day!
- I will lose weigth, so I can maybe feel happier about myself, my body.. and don't feel ashamed of myself anymore..
- I will not be closed off from the world anymore and try to be more of a people person..

okay.. let's start with these things.. and maybe, along the way.. when it's getting easier, I'm getting better.. I'll add more things to my list.. (if you have any more suggestions, please let me know! I really want to turn my life upside down! I don't wanna be the fat, depressed cut up, friendless girl anymore..)

Update!!

2009-05-18T07:31:00.000-07:00

Well.. it's been a long time since I've been here..
not a lot has happened since april 12th.. I had my birthday last week. not very special.. as usual my mom and dad had to work and my brothers were gone to school. I did had the day off, but that's not very fun when you're all by yourself.. I spend most of my birthday behind my desk. BUT!! I had a cake!! =D it was very good, a strawberry cake.. DELICIOUS!!! I didn't have any real presents, but from my parents I got money on my account and I still haven't got anything from my brothers.. BUT!! I did get 5 cards!! YAY ME!! <=D
Ooh well.. I'm stressing out a bit right now, because tomorrow starts my finals.. beginning with Math. it is one of my best subjects but it's difficult to keep my grade up, especially when you've got no energy to study!! absolutely nothing, zero, nada, zip...
This entry may sound a little depressing, but that's probably because that's how I feel right now. I've constantly been trying to repress my feelings, trying to feel happier. Or at least ACT happier, for my parents and my friends. so they don't have to worry about me or feel bad because they can't make me happy. Well.. it's been quite an excersize!! but I think I have everybody convinced that things are going better with me, only if I could convince myself of that. Then life would be a lot easier!! A LOT!!
BUT... although I've felt shitty for a long time, I still haven't cut in like weeks!! that I AM proud of!! althoug... I DID beat myself in the face a few days ago.. the results are a split lip and multiple wounds in my mouth.. my mom has no idea how I got those, and I'm not gonna tell her anytime soon!! That kinda counts for cutting right?!
Sometimes I wish I could tell someone, show it to someone. Show someone my scars, my stories behind them, my feelings. But I don't want to risk going to an institution or talking about it.. I don't want to hurt my family, they've done a lot for me and I don't want them to be ashamed of me.. They are ashamed enough of me right now, they don't have to have more things they could be ashamed of.. I'm not gonna bother them even more with my feelings, they should be able to live their lives as happy as possible, even if they are ignorant about my life, about my feelings.
All I want for them is happiness, even at the cost of my own.

Just a poem from me..

2009-04-12T14:47:00.000-07:00

well.. my first poem here on blogspot.com... please if anybody reads this, give me some feedback, doesn't matter what kind..
This poem is about my tiredness of all kind of things, and my tiredness in general.

I’m so tired
To tired to pick up a pen
To tired to move
To tired to breathe
To tired to live
I just want it to be over
My life to be over
So I don’t feel so tired anymore

Wondering about the meaning of my life..

2009-04-12T14:25:00.000-07:00

you know; sometimes I really do think I'm cursed... everything happens for a reason, I do know that but that doesn't mean it doesn't really suck! I wonder frequently why everything I've gone through happened to me.. I mean, I haven't had a very difficult life.. especially when you look at other peoples problems etc.. but my life has been difficult for me. And when I heard I can't get my diploma this year, I seriously asked myself why it happened to me and not to one of my brothers who's schoolyears has gone perfect!! I wonder why all that shit with school happens to me..
also.. I wonder why I started cutting in the first place.. I really can't remember. I do have a lot of "emo" tics.. for example cutting off course, and I wear my hair a bit like an "emo"boy.. but otherwise.. I don't wear skinny jeans and I only wear my all stars once in a while.. I do can relate with a lot of problems I read and hear about, and a lot of aquaintences and friends of mine are emo. I don't know for sure I like that term, but it's a very common one and everyone seems to know what you mean in general..

I wish I had a best friend I could really talk with you know? I never really had a friend before.. sure I've had a few friends who I hung out sometimes.. but no one really knew me, and I didn't really know them either. I'd really love to meet a boy who I can share everything with, who I can call in the middle of the night if I had a bad dream or who I can call when I just wanna hang out and say nothing.. I really hope I meet someone like that soon.
I know it's pathetic, and I don't know why I say it right now, but I've got to get it out.. I'm still waiting for my first kiss.. and I'm almost fricking 19!! I read things about first kisses, hear stories from people that they tongued no less than 3 guys on one evening when they went out.. and I'm just afraid to participate in those conversations, just because I don't have anything to say in those conversations. absolutelly nothing. I don't want anybody to give me any more reason to brand me a loser.. I wonder when it'll happen.. if it's ever gonna happen, with who it'll be and where it'll happen.
I'm just to tired to wait for some things anymore, to tired to wait for real friends... I've been waiting for 19 years, and I've never even been close! I know that some people wait their entire life for a real good friend, but somehow I know, I'm convinced I'll find a real true friend.

well.. that's enough for today I think..
peace out and huggles to the one person that actually reads this shit.. <3

Just blowing of some steam...

2009-04-10T14:38:00.000-07:00

Shit, shit, shit... stupid me, stupid me...
I've worked my ass off at all these projects and homework and stuff.. so I can finally get my diploma.. after 7 frickin' years (in stead of 5..) is my one projects that counts the highest been rated "unsatisfactory"!!!! now I can't graduate... they say: "well.. you can participate in the exams.. but you're not getting a diploma.." WHAT KIND OFF BS IS THAT!! what can you possibly study after high school without a frickin' diploma!! stupid bastards.. >-(
well.. I think it's even worse for my partner Jesse.. he's just been accepted to a great danceschool!! and now he's gonna flunk because of a physics project!!! that's just sooo stupid.. I really feel so sad.. Jesse.. I'm really sorry dude!! I wish I'd done a better job so you could go to that danceschool.. <3 I hope you forgive me..
I started to cry the minute I got the letter from school.. I started crying and couldn't stop for 2 whole frickin' hours! And I feel so guilty,, my parents were just leaving for a trip to the coast.. and now I get this news.. My mom got heart rhythm problems again.. and it's all my fault.. just because I didn't try hard enough for school...
The miracle about all this is that I haven't cut today!! dispite everything that has gone wrong today.. or lately.. I haven't cut today!! =D actually I'm pretty proud of myself..

I wish I could learn better.. I absolutely LOVE to learn new things.. but I just am sooo bad at learning stuff.. sometimes I wish I was gifted you know.. someone with a high IQ.. above 160..
I wish I knew everything.. but unfortunately I still have to learn how to handle stress..
everything I do lately becomes a mess.. a failure.. I don't know what it is.. maybe it's Gods way of telling me to stop.. to just stop.. I know everything happens for a reason, but this is just ridiculous.. nothing goes right.. everything I want to do, I can't do for some stupid thing I did.. everyone seems to leave and all my friends have found other, cooler, friends to hang out with... so I'm alone at home on a Saturdaynight watching a kidsmovie with my little brother..
I do have some friends.. but they know practically nothing of me.. they don't know what's going on at home.. they don't even come to my home! they don't even know where I live..
okay.. so basically I don't have friends.. maybe some people to talk with at school.. Damn...
It's pathetic really.. my best friend is nobody.. a made up character.. an alternate personality if you will.. Don't worry, I'm not some schizo... but really I made up my own freaking friend... isn't that just the patheticest thing you've ever heard?! *okay I know nobody reads this so again... pretty pathetic to ask a hypothetical question to nobody*

If anybody does read it.. please give me some recognition.. some feedback.. I'd really appreciate it.. even if it's just a letter.. but then at least I know that someone does notices me..

and mom and dad,, if you read this someday.. somehow.. know that I didn't want to cause the pain I bring you with all my pain and problems, and know that you did nothing wrong..
Mom, please forgive me for causing your health problems, your heart aches and your emotional aches.. and Dad... please stop drinking.. you only started again because of all the stress and the problems I give our family every day.. you did so good for 14 years.. please.. don't let me ruin YOUR health too!! please daddy.. stop drinking.. you hurt mom and others with every drop you drink..
Mom, Dad, lil'bro's, know that I do love you all.. and I always will.. I just wish I had someone outside of the family that loves me... I really want to find a guy that loves me for who I am, and not judge me by how I look or by my actions.. but listens to the stories behind my actions and looks through my looks... I wish that guy exists... I hope he does..

I did it again..

2009-03-31T13:58:00.000-07:00

Shit.. I've cut myself again.. and pretty deep too...I can't help it. I can't seem to stop
Man.. I've been so busy with school.. with my projects and stuff...
I'm so stressed.. I can't sleep at night, and when I'm finally asleep, the next morning I can't wake up, or get up at all for that matter.. sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it all..
due to all the stress these past few weeks/months I've cut again today... I want to stop, I just can't.. this time I lasted about a few weeks before I started again..
mostly I cut and sometimes I punch myself to keep feeling so numb or dead inside.. it's like the song from Three Days Grace - Pain: "I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all"
I love music, it helps me go through the f*cked up things in life. I couldn't live without my music..
Some songs even helped me through some suicidal times.. I confess I do sometimes think about it, but eventually I go on.. mainly because of my music, and the magic of an alternate reality named movies and television..
These things keep me going.. unfortunatly not enough to stop cutting, but enough to stop me from commiting suicide... I also like to read fanfiction and books.. for the same reasons as I listen to music and watch movies... a lot..
Sometimes I try to write the things I go through off of me.. through stories or poetry.. and I don't know... but I'd like to think it's okay.. not great.. I do know that much, but just okay..
Maybe I'll put up some poems some day..
If anybody already reads this... please let me know what you think of them.. I'd like to get feedback, if only to improve my writing..
well.. peace out and huggles to everyone who takes the time to read my shit...

Last weekend..

2009-03-23T09:52:00.000-07:00

Well,, it's monday again.. god I hate that day.. but it's a new start every week so I guess there are some good things about mondays.. I haven't found them yet but hey.. who knows..
I've been to an open day in Utrecht last Saturday... it was very cool!! I definitly want to go to school there.. well not there per se,.. but to a university like that.. I think I'll go to the one in Middelburg.. but I'll tell you what kind of education it is etcetera... for those interested of course!
The name of the institution is University College.. and it's kinda like the educational system in the States.. but then in Holland.. so that's already a plus! So far there're two schools in the Netherlands that have these kind of educational systems.. both are a subdivision of University of Utrecht.. but are sepparated from the school.. there is a campus where the students stay and everything is entirely in English!!! (MAYOR point!!^^) okay.. like I was saying.. or rather typing.. there are two schools.. one in Utrecht and one in Middelburg... I know for a fact I want to go to such a school... but the problem is.. which one!? I really have NO idea.. the one in Utrecht is rather big, at least bigger than the one in Middelburg and in Middelburg you have a little more variaty over the courses you can take..
well.. I'm really boring the one or two people who'll read this blog so I'm gonna go to a different subject now.. ..... ...... I have no idea what I wanna write about right now.. I guess a lot, but I find it very difficult to put it into words.. you know what I mean?!
Well.. once upon a time.. okay I'm just kidding.. I like to write, but I have very little imagination/fantasy whatever you want to call it! which is weird because I like fantasy very much, I mean the genre if you wanna talk about books, movies, tvshows etc.. okay I'm wondering off again..
Oh I know where I can talk about.. let's reveal some secrets of me.. ones that nobody knows..
My biggest secret has to be that I cut myself... all the time... it's what I do to relieve my stress.. and trust me.. I've got a lot of stress.. but everytime I do it, I regret it the moment I see the blood apear on my skin.. I can't even count the scars anymore, there are so many.. But how much I regret it every time.. I can't seem to stop.. it's really addictive..
I'm afraid to wear a tshirt, or roll up my sleeves.. nobody knows it.. and I'm not sure I want someone to know, I'm afraid everyone will react like they don't care why I do it.. or they put my in an institution... I also don't wanna hurt my parents or something.. I'm afraid people will judge me by my scars, and not listen to the stories behind them..
Well I think that's enough for today...

*peace out and huggles to everyone!*

Just some rambling...

2009-03-17T13:11:00.000-07:00

This is my first blog here.. I did it before, but I never seem to edit it frequently... Don't expect much from my life,.. I don't... but I've always wanted to keep a journal, or in this case a blog... so mainly it will be about what I've gone through in the past, and what has happened in the present... and maybe it will be about what I will be doing in the future..
Sometimes, I might put on a poem or a story I've written... mainly because I'd like to get feedback, but I'm afraid to show it to people around me.. because they don't know my secrets..
and I'm not sure if I want them to know,.. that's why the internet is a very good solution to tell someone your secrets... because they don't know you personnally... they can't tell your family or friends your secrets if they are concerned or just gossipgirls/boys... they can't judge you fully because they don't know everything about you.. at least, some people..
you can write your stories because everyone chooses if they want to read it.. if you tell someone, you force them to listen to you problems or secrets..
wether you want to tell me what you think about my life, my stories, my secrets... keep in mind, I'm mainly doing this for myself.. to write my secrets and problems away.. so I don't keep them in me.. please don't judge me by my actions.. but listen, in this case read, about the stories behind my actions, behind my choices..

damn.. if I read back to what I've written so far here.. it looks a bit random babling... but anyways.. I'll be keeping this blog for hopefully a long time, hopefully longer than all the others I've started.. and I hope that someone, anyone takes interest in my blog, or just me.. I doubt it.. nobody ever does.. it would be great to have a friend here, but this blog stays mainly for myself..

peace out, huggles..